Why When Following The Crowd Feels Inauthentic.
Image: Sebastiaan Stam Unsplash
I’ve just updated my services page, and I decided to write it in story format and take you through the process of what it feels like to have session with me. Follow this link to read it Services — Sarah Yeoman. As part of this process, I had to come up against the thought that, that’s not how it’s done and what would that mean. It means that it is different, whilst it feels way more authentic than before there is a part of me that struggles with the idea that because it’s different and not what people expect that they won’t get the concept of the story-based service experience. I’m sitting here honouring that this felt like more authentic self-expression compared to before, because what I wrote before wasn’t wrong or not me writing it, but it was following the marketing strategies of someone else that wasn’t really a good fit for what I do. Part of the struggle for me is that I have had a long-held belief that I keep challenging is that my way is the wrong way and it showed up again with this change in my service page.
The previous version was done in a manner that was much more traditional with who is this service for and what are you going to get out of the session and what tools I use and covered costs, disclaimers and why I have removed testimonials on my website. Important information but it never felt like it conveyed the journey and the personal experience. I think this is part of the struggle for anyone that has experiential experiences as part of the process and often find it hard to put into words what you actually do. The traditional way takes you out of the process and makes you think much more clinically about the procedure and so forth. This also makes it so much harder for the potential client to realise what the experience might be like. I know previously I have struggled with putting my session experience into words but writing it as a story felt so much more natural. I feel like when you read it you are much more likely to feel yourself in the story than a standard services page with what feels like generic information and not a lot of feeling to it.
Why do we do this, follow the crowd that tells us how it’s done and then wonder why it struggles to convert when it probably never felt truly authentic to start with. This is so much broader than a service page, this could be the business strategies you use, the eating program that everyone else is following an exercise program that doesn’t fit our lifestyle. We sit there and wonder why we’re not taking action or those actions aren’t creating results it’s often because it actually isn’t a good fit for us and we fight that, because we don’t want to be seen as different. The hard thing to acknowledge is that what works for us might not actually be what everyone else is doing and that can feel challenging, to stand out that is. We are so desperate to fit in because somewhere along the way we’ve been taught that fitting in is more important than honouring our authenticity. That authenticity can feel like a threat to our survival; it can generate fear in us that makes us feel unsafe and then we will do almost anything to conform and fit in even if it goes against everything that we believe. It takes courage to stand out and do what’s right for us.
What I’ve found is that we have this false belief that following the crowd is the easy option when actually it becomes more challenging the more we step into our authenticity. Being authentic means we don’t have to pretend and put a mask on, we don’t have to distort our truths to fit the current narrative playing out and so much more we can just show up. But there is the reality that most of us have experienced that has taught us that putting a mask on is safer and that covering up our truth causes less problems, so we continue with that pattern and then wonder why we walk away feeling so tired and depleted. We walk away tired and depleted because of the extra energy that it takes to show up inauthentically. Again, taking off that mask takes courage, owning you voice is an act of courage as well. What helps is knowing that others have done it and survived and feel stronger for taking those steps. Each time we show up authentically gives us a little more permission to keep doing it. I’m not pretending that this is always going to be easy but what I have found is that each time I say what I believe and nothing shocking happens it gives me more courage to do it again and again and it takes less and less effort each time I do. Whilst I had to sit with the idea that the way I have written my service page is not the “normal” way to write a service page. It feels so much better to me, and it actually wasn’t hard to write which is a pretty good indication that it was the right move for me. I’m not here stressing about it like I used to as to whether people get what the experience is actually like because I feel like the story now conveys that. I am much more likely to share it as well because it feels like an authentic expression of what a session feels like to have with me. I find it so much easier to express my thoughts and feelings than I ever used to when I know where that fear is coming from. It’s a process and one that I keep working through whenever that fear arises and I take steps to ease the nervous system response down and take aligned action.
“What I’ve found is that we have this false belief that following the crowd is the easy option when actually it becomes more challenging the more we step into our authenticity.”
Sarah Yeoman
Image: Bob Jenkins Unsplash
So, how can you show up more authentically when you come up against the prospect of standing out when you so desperately want to fit in:
Start with asking yourself, “what am I afraid of?” and see what answer you get is it a common fear/story and once you recognise it you can then take action knowing most likely that fear/story outcome is not going to happen.
If the fear is a new one ask “when did I first experience this?” and again see what response you get. Use any skills that you have to process the new insight and either take action with the new awareness or allow yourself to take no action until it feels safer. We are not here to push boundaries that are going to create more resistance, we are wanting to soften those fears so that we can take action knowing that those stories were most likely created when we didn’t have the capacity to handle the situation.
Acknowledgement is also part of the process, acknowledging that you don’t feel safe is really important to be able to move forward. If you deny that you don’t feel safe and push through and take action from that place 9 times out of 10 you aren’t going to have a great result. That usually just confirms the original story that it is not safe to show up authentically.
Proceed when it feels safe to do so. Safety is such an important aspect to showing up authentically, sometimes you might need to challenge boundaries, but it still needs to feel safe to do so. So, you might experiment with a safe group of friends or a therapist saying something that you are worried might be taken the wrong way. You eventually learn that you can manage the outcome because this group of friends is really understanding and that your therapist is equipped to handle what you discuss. If it doesn’t go the right way with your friends, you might have to question whether they are a good fit as friends.
Knowing that wanting to fit in is natural but sometimes it about finding people that can accept you for who you truly are that will make all the difference. I have people in my world that I can show up unashamedly myself and it is so refreshing and those connections make my world all the more brighter and I highly suggest that you take the time and effort to find them.
It can be hard to stand out sometimes, but you know what I have comes to realise is that compromising to fit in is not all that it is cracked up to be. We tend to silence our voice, agree when we disagree. You know what that feels like a lot of hard work to still walk away most times not feeling truly seen. I believe that we are so much better off if we show up authentically and find our group of people that appreciate us just as we are. A part of this requires us to have faith that we can find those people no matter how long that might take. I’m no longer willing to put myself in places where I don’t feel accepted as myself it’s just not worth it anymore. The other thing that this experience taught me is showing up authentically feels so much better, far less stress and effort than trying to do things like everyone else when that just doesn’t feel right. I will add it’s also about starting to recognise when I go into that mode of doing it like everyone else when that doesn’t feel authentic to me and to trust that the right people will find me.
I will remind you that it takes courage to stand out and honour yourself, but I honestly feel like that makes finding those people who you resonate with so special in the end. Stand proud in who you are and what you have to offer, the world needs more people honouring their authenticity as this gives permission and provides safety for others to do so. What an amazing world it would be if nobody had to put a mask on to show up in the world.